June 5, 2010

I’m losing it………………….really
i just want to be happy

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June 5, 2010

Dear diary,

I feel it again. I feel how fucked up i am again. I can’t believe i’m living a life like this. Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart

If i am lost for a day, try to find me
If i don’t come back then i won’t look behind me
all of the things that i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

April 7, 2010

Haven’t been here in a long time………but here i stand, feeling so strange and unprepared

maybe the one mistake i’ve been making is………i cant even be bothered to say it

well lesson #1 of life, hold nothing back

March 19, 2010

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we’ve got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

February 27, 2010

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

February 18, 2010

you forget what you want to remember
and you remember what you want to forget

life’s starting to suck again

January 28, 2010

I’m tired of being this person, being expected to fall into the format, & twist into what everyone else expects me to be. I’ve changed so much in the past few years, jumping from one thing to another, making so many mistakes. Trying to grow up. I constantly remind myself of the past, & how I must change to keep the person who is my everything, my only safe haven. I’m scared of losing my imagination, because when life gets hard, & everyone’s against me, it’s all I can do is pretend. I’ve been lied to, betrayed, & back stabbed, by my best friends, & even my own family, I just can’t take it anymore. I miss being a kid, & wish I could turn back time. Looking back, things seemed so great then. I was actually happy with my life. I have flaws, I’m so unhappy with them, but I put up a front. Little things irritate me, & I’m so indecisive. I hate how I ramble on, about my weaknesses. If I’m happy, I’m automatically being fake, if I’m upset, I’m automatically too expressive. I have few legitimate reasons to hate the world, nothing ever seems to go my way. I used to be good at manipulating people, good at getting what I wanted. We only tend to see the hurt in our life, to hold on to the negative, but isn’t that all we can do? I have to keep fighting, have to keep letting the people I love, know that I’m willing to make sacrifices for them. I need to learn to accept that things aren’t all about me, that even if I’m not happy, then the happiness of the people I love is what counts. I need to continue to grow, to change, & mature. I hate being stuck in the middle, seeing everything only at eye level. I’m tired of wishing I was a character in a book, that the villain would get his payback, & everyone would live happily ever after. I miss the dream world I used to live in, & I regret waking up, regret being hurt, & hurting people in return. Ignorance is bliss, & sometimes, I really wish I didn’t know any better. I want to become religious again, to feel at one, & know that even if everyone on earth hates me that God is right there by my side, guiding me. I want to feel the power of prayer, & cry from being happy, from knowing that things are always going to be okay. I’m done with drama, lying & sin. I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m not trying to be something I’m not. I just want to live, & laugh, & be happy. I want to finish school, marry that special him, & start a family. I’m like an open book, my feelings are shown on my sleeves. I’m clumsy, & break things. I fall down, especially in front of people. I can be uptight, but my laugh is contagious. I want everyone to experience peace, know how good things can be, so they’ll strive harder for it. All is not fair, in love, it never will be.

January 26, 2010

WHY DO I FEEL SO FUCKED UP AT NIGHT

January 13, 2010

the one sentence that kills me every single fucking time

“do you think we will ever get married”
fuck this shit

JEALOUSY??????

January 7, 2010

Hi guys, life has been better

however i’m so afraid things start to fuck themselves up again

Like copeland said; careful now you’ll hurt yourself, careful now you’ll hurt, you’ll hurt someone else